Every morning, when I wake up, thoughts of quitting fill not just my head but my whole being. I dread mornings as I knew this will be another tiring day. I literally drag my body from my bed to the bathroom - just to get ready. Everyday is a struggle - not to quit.
On my way to work, I try to distract myself from the imminent fact that I am on my way to work. It ain't easy. Knowing that this will be another day of talking to people, balancing my duties as someone who implements what the management wants and being fair and fighting for the employees and their rights. Didache, Sabbath, Companion, GodWhisphers fill my morning to calm my body which is now trembling. Trembling with the fact that I have to leave my personal self - my real self and put on a face just to survive the day.
A few more minutes and I am in the office. I enter the room and immediately clean up the messed up documents on the desk, call the janitor to clean the room and have the air freshener sprayed, check the incoming box for documents which needs to be signed. I wait for a good 2 hours and I go down and get coffee. Or maybe it was just an excuse to get myself some good old positive vibes from the smiles of those baristas - even though I too, well know, that those smiles are fake because it is their job to make their customers feel warm and relaxed. But hey, I too am in the same boat as them. It makes my morning feel lighter.
Hours pass, it's almost lunch. I don't have much appetite - but I need to eat. I'm still human, I need to nourish my physical body. Again, it's a struggle. I need to nourish but I don't want to get bigger. I feel bad about myself getting this big. It also doesn't help that people are calling me fat. I just want to go back to my old body.
Today, I didn't ate lunch. But instead, I got asked, "You love your job, Ms. Kat?" Surprisingly, I said, "Yes." In a way, looking at it, yes, I did love my job. I get to see stories unfold. I am able to be that one person who took the time to give that person an opportunity to continue fighting.
But until when can I keep up? Until when can I endure seeing the two sides of the world? Until when can I hold my emotions and not feel anything aside from sadness and anger for the people who says they are for the people when they are just for the company?
The day's about to end. I am asked by my boss, "Why am I still in the office?" knowing that I came in an hour earlier than my shift. I try to finish everything that I can - but I can't anymore. My body is telling me to stop and go home already. So I did.
At home, I still can't rest. My body had absorbed too much energy from the people around me. I can't sleep - my mind screaming at me, angry at me for I am still thinking of work. I don't want tomorrow to come. It'll just be the same again. I'll be struggling again the whole day.
Struggling to keep every single pain from the separation of those I consider my friends. But at the same time, happy for them that they are finally free from the bondage of being tied to a company.
Struggling to balance the anger of my workmates and the frustrations of my boss of their miscommunications. How long can I keep doing this?
Struggling to not show my emotions and keeping a positive facade when everything beyond that wall is crumbling and slowly turning into ash. That thoughts of being alone forever haunt and torment me everyday as I am dedicated in my work.
But I guess, this is what it feels to be an adult. Taking on responsibilities and growing up - struggling to shed the childhood and embracing the thorns of reality.
Is this what really life should be? Or is it just my head playing with me again?
Is life a never ending cycle of daily struggle to live better?
How long will I be able to do this?
