Scared

It's a bit scary and motivating as well, what goes through my head at times.

There are times that this brain will let me think that I am not good. That I am just a nuance to any team that I come across with.  That I don't deserve to be part of that team because I am not good enough.

The struggle is so real not to be a people-pleaser.  I know I am not, cause I just do what needs to be done. What I think is needed.  But do I really do those things because the people need it? or do I do things because I'm waiting to be appreciated? I'm waiting for people to tell me, "you did a great job"?

But even so, when people praise me and all, I don't believe it.
I don't listen to them..why?
Because I don't believe in myself? why?
I let other people tell me who I am..what I am..why I should do things...why?
Am I that broken that I am having a hard time putting back the pieces?

It's a real struggle that I lift to God. But am I really lifting it to God?

The struggle became so much real when I accepted the job offer of my current job.
My boss is a respected person in the company.  I feel as though I am not allowed to make any kind of mistake because I'm scared.. I'm scared of being humiliated. I'm scared of people not liking me. Why is this?

If I keep on saying that I don't care about them, then why am I so conscious about what they will say once I make a mistake?  Is it not enough that I'm an introvert? Have I taken my past with me that I see no good in the people around me? That I only see them as people who will just hurt me?

Why am I putting up a sign in my forehead that says, 'hurt me.'? Like what Migs said?
Where is all these fear coming from?
Is it still because of that time when I was alone in the house with my cousin?
Or is there something that happened more in my childhood years that I don't remember anymore? Aside from the bullying, did something happened pa?  OR AM I JUST OVERTHINKING AGAIN?

Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me again.. or maybe the enemy is using this weakness of mine to crush whatever small confidence that I have in me.

Weird that I don't question God for these questions and experiences. That I don't get angry at Him. But at the same time, I'm not even asking help not unless I am so desperate already.

In good times, I talk to Him. But in bad times? Why?
Shouldn't I be talking to Him more when I feel down? Hmmm...

I don't know.
I feel like I'm just justifying everything.
And it's scary to know that after all these years, I'm struggling with the same issue. Not even overcoming them, not one bit.

I'm going back to work.
Well, rather, I should start working....
Time to distract my mind again. Well work has been a very good distraction. Why not?